I see Stormy Daniels has a book out and everyone’s talking about a certain aesthetic judgment she makes. Is this really where we are now: judging how penises look? James, by email
Yes. So, for anyone who has been living under a rock for the past 36 hours, Daniels has indeed written a book in which she describes the president’s penis as “smaller than average … like the mushroom character in Mario Kart”. Try to enjoy your Nintendo Switch now, people.
This, of course, is not the first time we have had cause to discuss Donald Trump’s genitals. Marco Rubio started this in the 2016 election when he made some crack about Trump’s “small hands”. Trump, doing America proud, excitedly seized on this and used a Republican nominations debate to assure the American people there “is no problem, I guarantee”. Honestly, it was like the Founding Fathers all over again. Write a musical about that, Lin-Manuel Miranda. (Adorably, Rubio was last seen on Twitter, complaining “sign of our times … the F word is now routinely used in news stories, tweets, etc. Who made that decision???” The same guy who decided it was totally fine to talk about penis size in a presidential election, Marco.)
But back to Trump. Is it right that the world is now laughing at his penis? Well, given that Trump made a fortune from Miss America, which is all about reducing women to their various anatomical parts and judging them accordingly, this all feels like a rather pleasing O Henry story. No Mr America crown for you, Mr President. Only men with penises shaped like Luigi get that accolade. And there is some poetic justice in the world now laughing at Trump’s penis when he is currently trying to get Brett Kavanaugh on to the supreme court, primarily – as far as I can tell – to overturn Roe v Wade. You want to control women’s vaginas, Donald? We’ll laugh at your penis. Men are afraid that women will laugh at them and women are afraid that men will kill them, as the Margaret Atwood quote goes. And given that banning abortion, as Trump wishes to do, will end up costing women’s lives, it seems fair enough that we get to laugh at him. It’s not exactly a quid pro quo, but it will do.
Shall I go further? I think I shall: when I hear men – a gender that has spent the past, oh, several millennia, explicitly discussing the appearance of women’s breasts, butts, legs, etc – suddenly affecting horror at the idea of a woman laughing at a man’s penis, well, I hear a certain music on the wind, and that music is a tune played by the world’s smallest violin. (Any man who wishes to write in with a #notallmen-type complaint is welcome to write it down on a piece of paper, roll it up tight and stick it in any aperture on his anatomy where the sun does not shine.)